He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
