Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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