Sry I called you an 8
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
