i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
