The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
