he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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