On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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