I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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