i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
