ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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