Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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