Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Everyone says I win the strip club
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
