I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
