Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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