Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
