you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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