he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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