You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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