I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
