He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
