If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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