Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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