Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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