my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
