I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
