Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
