Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Church boner. Awkwardddd
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
