i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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