I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
