I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
