So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You pole danced in your parka.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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