I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
