i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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