Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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