every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
