i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
the liver wants what the liver wants
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
