I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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