Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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