I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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