eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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