I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
