yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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