I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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