It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
