Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
