you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
