You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
