Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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