I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
