I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
