I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
